Sam Kinison’s first appearance on the Tonight Show with David Letterman, 11-14-1985. I think it upped the ante just a little…
DL:Okay, well, uh, we’re in for something now, folks. My next guest is making his network television debut tonight, and we believe it’s long overdue. He’s one of the strangest – and most original comedians working today. Brace yourselves. I’m not kidding. Please welcome Sam Kinison.
SK: [0:33] There’s still time to call the church and call all this off.
I know a lot of you come here, you watch TV, you wait every night for somebody to come on here and give you an answer for your lives, waiting for someone that’ll come and say, “Hey, this is it! I don’t hafta settle for defeat any more! I can rise up out of my routine! I can get a hold of myself! I DON’T HAFTA LOSE! I CAN WIN! THERE’s SUM-THAN INSIDE ME THAT’S NOT GONNA LET ME GO DOWN ANYMORE! But I’m not the guy.
Nah, I don’t have any answers for ya, but I can tell you about one thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, you think you’re saved, huh? You people over here, you think you’re saved? Do you think you’re saved-what’s your name? Lou? Lou, you ever been married? You do me a favor? If you ever think you wanna get married, if you ever think you met the right woman, you wanna settle down, you wanna get a house, you wanna get a car, maybe raise a family – will you do me a favor, Lou? Remember this face. [01:39]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
REMEMBER IT, LOU! REMEMBER THAT FACE! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!
‘Cause it’s the face of hell, Lou! It’ll be your face every day. Have you ever been married-are you married? What’s your name? Bill, John, show him the face. SHOW IT TO HIM! SAY IT! SAY IT! LOOK AT IIIIIIT!
Just wanted you to know it’s just not me, alright?
I’m trying to help here; I’m trying to do a good thing.
I was married for two years. My life was so boring, I actually worried about my yard. Rest of my friends had goals, careers, visions, of doing things with their lives. I was out there looking for crabgrass, weeds, and stuff, going, “I have a responsibility to the neighborhood. There’s a weed here.” [02:47]
[Sigh]
Now that – doesn’t happen to have any kids, have you seen those guys? Those guys in the malls, with the strollers, have you seen them? With that look on their face like they envy the dead?
THIS ISN’T A MALLLLL! I’M IN HELLLLL! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!
I’d buy it every time; I swear I do. I buy it every time. I love women; I can’t help it. I’d buy every time love comes to me and goes, “C’mon. C’mo-ha-ha-ha-on. Yes, this is love. Yeaaaah, c’mon. Trust it. I know you been in love before- THIS IS LOVE. I wouldn’t lie to you eight times in a row. C’mon. C’mon, open the door, let’s see what we have for you.”
Click-click-errrrrrrr…
LOOK OUT! AAAAAH! YOU LIED TO ME AGAAAAAAIN!
I keep going for that same kind of love, too, man; that Van Gogh kind of love, you know, where you walk in, you go, “Hey! You hurt me so much I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT PAIN IS! A-HAHAHAHAHA! YOU GOT PAIN? ‘CAUSE I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!
I know half of America right now is going, “What are we watchin’? What kinda comedy is this? Is this the man who was promised that I was supposed to come out and see, ‘CAUSE ALL THIS IS? AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! No.
No, I’m not him, I’m just a comic with some weird fashion choices, but, uh, lot of you don’t trust that, that’s up to you. Read your Bibles, your New Testaments, your Torahs, your coras, whatever ya think will protect you. You’re not safe.
But, I’m trying to help, I’ll do the best I can, folks, I swear, I’ll do the best I can. [04:45]
Like this world hunger thing? I’m really goin’ with it. I’m just like you. I see the same commercials; those little kids, out there, you know; hungry. And I’m watching this on TV, and I’m home, I’m going, “God, you know what I’m saying? How cruel. ‘Cause I know the film crew could this kid a sandwich.”
C’mon, you know there’s a director going, “DON’T FEED HIM YET! GET BACK TO WORK, OZZIE, YES, I’M TALKING, GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE!”
“Okay, Ozzie, back in the mudhole, alright? We’re losing daylight! We are losing daylight!”
It’s true. But I’m not trying to make fun of world hunger. If you wanna do something about world hunger, uh, I think I have an answer. I think that, uh – a lot of people are adopting this attitude. You wanna do something about world hunger? Stop sending ‘em food.
It’s network television, I’ll be the first. Look right here; zoom in.
Stop sending ‘em food, alright? Don’t send them any more food.
You wanna help these people? Send them U-Hauls. Send them boxes, you know; some luggage; send ‘em a guy that goes, “Hey. Hee-eh-eh-ey. Hey, you know we just drove 750 miles across the desert with your food, and it occured to us that there wouldn’t be world hunger, if you people would live WHERE THE FOOD IS!
YOU LIVE IN A DESERRRRRT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIIIIVE IN A DESERRRRT! NOTHING GROWS THERE! NOTHING GONNA GROW THERE!
(music plays) (06:28)
DL: We’ll be right back. Sam Kinison.
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